You asked me to write you a love song
A love poem
A love anything
But I don’t love you
I’ve never loved you
I am you.
When I saw you I was looking into a mirror
My flesh never ended when I touched your hand
When we spoke I didn’t hear you because your voice was already in my head
Were you that voice that guided me throughout my life?
Were you the tugging and pulling that finally led me back to myself?
Because when I saw you… I became you
You were always me
Were you always inside me begging me not to love that boy not to touch that filth not to let the parasite into my life into my soul into me?
Because I can’t remember a time in my life were I wasn’t you and you weren’t me
I don’t love you
I am you
You asked me to write you a love letter
But I can’t write the love letter
Because our lives are a letter
A letter to the fractured dreams of women and men dying to break free of some ridiculous rulebook society has held them to since before they were fetuses in their mother’s womb, break free of the dogma and superstitions to connect and dissipate the eternal insufferable loneliness that they simply cannot break not with drugs, or alcohol, or long forgotten mismatched limbs in a floating bed on a river of whisky in a memory of shame and mistakes
I can’t write the letter because we’re living it
I can’t write a letter because we’re the letter to the world of what existence truly is
I can’t write you a love because we are love
Baby when I look at you I have to shake myself to remember the fallacy that the world has created that you are not me and I am not you
Are we truly two separate people with separate dreams and worlds and spheres and loves
Am I to believe the world when it says that love is the ultimatum between conflicting interests begging for their loneliness to be spent?
Am I to believe that you could ever love another if I depart from you?
Am I to believe that I could ever be apart from you?
Not in a thousand years
I cannot be apart from you
I cannot be alienated from myself
So darling even when our lives end and we evaporate into simply atoms in the universe with nowhere to go I will still be with you because I am you and how do I deal with the fact that we cannot forever be in this form together alive and breathing and holding and touching and loving?
Because this isn’t love
This is existence
I am not in love with you, that cannot encapsulate the scope of my ever reaching essence of you
You are my existence
When I cannot speak and I lash out and I cannot breath and I hit you with words as sharp and as furious as needles breaking into your spine causing you to become less than alive I am denying my own existence because sometimes its just too hard to focus on the millions of thought and passions that we become in the midst of this existence
Just know that I could never leave you no matter the harshness of my jagged tongue
No matter the vicious beatings of my breath
No matter the flood of your tears down my cheek
I could never leave myself – I don’t believe in suicide
So please don’t ask me to write you a love story a poem a letter a song
Don’t ask me to produce a written expose of our love
Because I can’t
Because you are etched in every line on my face every beat of my heart every pulse of my vein you are the acid in my stomach when I cause us pain and our stomachs tie in knots and we both wretch the vomitus poison away
You are the shine in my eyes and the gleam in my smile you are the brightness inside me
So when I fight and kick and cry and sob and wretch and tear at the heart of you that blankets us with our own being
Know that I am only overfilled with our essence and intrepid because I am so scared of death
Don’t ask me, don’t beg me to never leave you
Because I can’t
I couldn’t if I tried
I can’t when I do
Because as a human being my sole condition of existence is to survive and baby I can’t survive without myself
I need you. I don’t love you. I am you.